So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
