did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
