She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
