So drunk its hurt
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
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Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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