I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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