I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize