forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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