If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?