The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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