you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
