false alarm. still invincible.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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