I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Someone came in the potted fern
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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