why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
