I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
