You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
