I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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