Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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