I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
