Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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