I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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