I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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