there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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