i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just pee around me
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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