I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
