i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
