I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
