Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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