they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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