I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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