Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
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We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
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Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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