rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
