is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
