Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
