This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
