I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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