So drunk its hurt
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Shame - the story of my life.
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