I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
