Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
