I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
