I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
