My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
