I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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