Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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