i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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