i think i have herpe
just one?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
this is an emotional support booty call
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
