I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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