Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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