Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
All the doctor said was why
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
