And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
