If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
