i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
