the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
