It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
