so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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