Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
