i already hear my dad disowning me
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
