The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
